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The big idea

Instead of chasing the fairytale of finding "the one," we should focus on becoming the one — growing into who God made us to be, since a healthy relationship starts with two people rooted in their identity and purpose in Christ.

Real hope for our relationships isn't found in finding the perfect person, but in becoming the person God made us to be. Genesis 2 shows that before Eve ever entered the picture, Adam had purpose, boundaries, and a restored identity from God — and the same order applies to us: purpose, wise choices, identity, and rest come before intimacy and marriage.

I want us today to make a decision that we're not going to focus on finding the one, we're going to focus instead on becoming the one

— Daniel Goulding

Point 1 of 4

Before we find our person, we need to find our purpose

Pastor Daniel points out that Adam was working and living with purpose in the garden long before Eve ever appears in the story, showing that our purpose isn't found in a spouse. He warns against treating a job, a relationship status, or a person as our purpose, insisting our true purpose is to glorify God, and uses Maricopa County divorce statistics to show what happens when people settle for a person instead of pursuing God's calling.

Point 2 of 4

Before we make a covenant, we need to learn how to make wise choices

Drawing from God giving Adam boundaries around the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, Pastor Daniel argues that learning to live under God's correction and discipline is preparation for marriage, not something marriage magically fixes. He addresses pornography struggles directly, teaching that marriage magnifies rather than changes a person, using money as an illustration of how it amplifies existing character.

marriage doesn't change you. Marriage magnifies you

— Daniel Goulding

They are showing you when you're dating them the best version of them. Trust who they're showing you to be

— Daniel Goulding

Point 3 of 4

Before we seek intimacy, we need to seek identity

Pastor Daniel notes that Genesis 2:20 is the first time Adam is named, and this happens before Eve arrives, showing that identity comes from God before it comes from a relationship. He shares his own testimony of being a 'serial womanizer' before conversion and how God rewired his identity over six months until his soul was satisfied in God alone, months before he met his future wife.

Related passage

A story from life

Pastor Daniel describes his own broken identity at age 20, his conversion, and a six-month process of God restoring his sense of self before he met his wife.

Point 4 of 4

Before we pursue a relationship, we pursue rest

Pastor Daniel highlights that Adam was asleep when God formed Eve, and that Eve's first encounter was with God, not Adam, before she was even brought to him. He argues this shows we can't manufacture or fix a spouse, but must rest in God's sovereignty and let Him do what we cannot, quoting Psalm 62:5.

Until you know who you are in Christ, you have no business trying to date somebody else

— Daniel Goulding

until I'm satisfied in God, I will never find true satisfaction in anything else in this life

— Daniel Goulding

But there is rest available to the weary human soul, available to the person through the person of Jesus if you will if you will enter

— Daniel Goulding

Take it into your week

Pastor Daniel frames the whole series around one shift: stop trying to find the one, and start becoming the one.

Application

Use the relationship reset card weekly
Married couples (and dating couples, if they choose) should find five minutes this week to sit down with the discussion card and ask questions like what brought joy, what was hard, and what needs forgiving — saving the intimacy question for later, not first.
Identify your purpose apart from any person
Everyone, single or married, should wrestle with the question of their God-given purpose rather than assuming a spouse, job, or relationship status defines it.
Steward your season of singleness or dating with discipline
Singles should stop waiting to escape singleness and instead let God teach wise choices and self-discipline now, including fighting for purity before marriage, not just after.
Let God restore your identity before pursuing intimacy
Before dating or dealing with marriage struggles, pursue being satisfied and secure in your relationship with God alone rather than looking to a partner to complete you.
Rest instead of trying to fix your spouse
Stop striving to manufacture change in a husband or wife through pressure or texts, and instead bring your marriage struggles to God, trusting His sovereignty and provision.

Keep going

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